Girls Are the Source Of Evil

An actual statistic from Maxim in September of 2001. read the following:
"... Men in hetereosexual relationships have a life expectancy of 72 years, and women have a life expectancy of 78 years. Recent studies show that lesbians who live with their partners for 25 years show their life expectancy to be only 66.5 years. This only proves women bring stress to men, and thus decreasing mens life expectancy."

I do believe my dreams will come true, and the evil of sex will devour the once loved girl. The story was told by all friends who have been affected by this evil before. It's the way it has to be they say. It's the rebound sensation girls follow when b roken down by this evil act. It's evils best way to use men verse men through the transportaion device of the female body. You see how easily we are affected when we love a girl. Never love... or you will be taunted with evil by man.
My dream... was first a pool game she will be playing.. a game played in my head. The pain... still unbearable. I ate one chicken strip yesterday. Not hungry this morning. I havne't done laundry. I need to move on.

Day 2:
The pain isn't going away, and it goes in cycles of intensity. I hurt beyond the imaginable mind can put into words. I'm certian she is changing hourly from the person I used to love and cherish to this new entity who may never be my friend. She seems so strong, and yet so weak in the perception of her new boyfriend I'm a crazy person who "has problems and needs to seek help". So not only am I a person who broke up with her, she has this crazy image of me now, that can help her push herself into a relationship with this guy, and feel no need for guilt! It's unbelieavable how quickly she is able to transform into this new person. And she says I'm the one with the problems. At least I hurt, and show signs of anguish, while she is able to mo ve on, as if this entire thing is all my fault. No sense in arguing, or attempting to be friends with her. I must lose her entirely. Within 3 days, we go from talking to not talking at all. Maybe if I didn't break the windo on ACCIDENT, I wouldn't be in such a troublesome train of thoughtabout her deluding herself with reasoning to surpass the need to want another person. He'll make a great rebound boyfriend.. a person she can discuss all her terrible hardships about her ex with, a person to fullfil l her needs during the end of the month when I know she's probally most likely to want certian pleasures to be fullfilled. It's a perfect time, with a perfect setup.. and i'm the victim in this terrible matromony of twisted love. I have know idea where it all went to peices. I have no idea how a girl can change so quickly. I ate 3 chicken nuggets today. It satisfied my hunger and more. My stomach crinches with pain now. I read an email from her about some videos I was going to through away. N O sign of sadness, no sign of love. She said yes she wanted them, but that is all. She didn't even sign her email. She thinks, and might trully believe to herself.. she's over me. That's the devil speaking, and clouding her mind. She once wrote, "My heart hovers somewhere between love and lonliness. It clouds my judgement and shatters my focus" I believe this hovering heart is going to shatter much more than that with this new support she has found, and with this reluctant image she places on her e x. I don't deserve this. I deserve better. When I can prove to myself, she is wrong for me, and will never be right for me, and her twisted words of logic, and her twisted ways of dealing with this, is killing me. I will never need her again, and then I 'll move on. I'll give it a week.

Another Realization:

Where did all this time come from? I never knew I had such a gap of hours on Monday between 1:00 and 4:00pm. 3 hours which used to barely be enough time for lunch, friend chat, and homework.. has turned into a endless time gap of questioning, wandering, and the uncertianity of what is next. I can not think of eating, or chatting, but only the mere curiosutiy of what if's. I believe as of right now.. it's like she really dumped me. She didn't let me move on, and yet, once again, she didn't let me go.. so even after I "break up with her" she still seemed to have loss me before anything I could to help myself occurred. I realized also that the night before she did that to me, or I at lest found out about the aparent new couple, I wanted to work somethin g out with her.. is that true? Did I really want her back, or do I look back now.. knowing that she is not mine, and realize I want her back. I don't really know anymore.
I know I love her. And the glass guy just called to go fix her window... Time to go take care of my stupidity. I have to do this before she tells her dad. SO she said in her email, the same one that said I had problems and needed help. Christ! where does the world go when you lose someone you love?
And I wish.. i had rollerbladed with her more. Why didn't I? or better yet, why didn't she insist on asking me to go roller blading? Were we too busy for eachother? we're we loss loved couples, and really, just really weren'te meant for eachother, but were here only to cause these feelings of hurt, and mental distraught. More questions... I'll figure it out edventually. Right now... all I can do is write. I'll have an open discussion forum to this page in the near future. Right now.. i can't even t hink to code that part of this page.. i hurt way to much....

True or not:
Some how I've managed to convince myself of the following. I do not want her to be scared of me. I want to keep our friendship if at all possible. I can not go outwith her, or be more than friends for a long time after what I saw on Saturday night, and she can probally agree with me for what I did. I also came to the conclusion, that when we went back out after our first break up,she realized she was going to lsoe me probally for good, and came back to me... I took her back but only put 60% of my effo rt in the relationship in hopes to not give it my all, and get hurt again. I realized after the one month test, that if she hasn't moved on, and if I"m having problems moving on, and meeting new people.. my only happyness lies in this girl, and I was wil ling to give it my 100%. that was of course prior to her failure to come through with the results I had not expected. Thus, we are two loss couples in love, but under the circumstance must, subside our deeper feeligns for eachother in an attempt to move on regardless of the fact of nature. As a result, girls are the source of evil, and I will not be with the one I love.

Interesting Occurence:
Is she really afraid of me? That would be really sad. When I was at her house fixing her window. She wasn't there. But the phone rang, and I anwsered it out of habit. It was the police department "is the man of the house there?" I anwsered no, and they were really quick to hang up. I was in the middle of asking what this concerned, and they hung up. I wander. Should I tell her? They said they'll try back later. I hope she didn't really call! OMG! what if she's getting some sort of restraining order! I'm not really losing it? Am i? Geez... I'm that guy now huh?? heheh they make movies about things like this. I bet Matt called! Errrrr more to come.

Taking a nap. Because I have nothing else to do.

Moving on is so much harder, when you have to force yourself to fall out of love first. And then admit that what you are doing is okay. Even though deep down it feels so wrong. But basically if she can do it. So can I? right?

I never thought i would feel this bad. Third day just begung. The evil still inflicts damage on my soul. I don't know how to live now. I think about myself, and i think about her. Part of me wants to know why. I asked her to the UCF movie tonight. She denied and even suggested I go with another girl. I think she's wanting to sacrafice me to hide some of her own guilt, because I bet she's with that guy tonight.. Who knows.. I know I can't be with anyone now... especially after I've come so close to becoming hers again. I just can't believe it is all happening. LIke I said... "a horrible horrible dream".
I want to invite her to the carnaval tomorrow, and the 311 concert, and of course halloween.. thanksgiving.. etc..etc.. SOOO many events are coming up, and so much I could do with her... I have so much to plan.. and all I can think about is pleasing her, and making sure she is happy and okay. But I guess if this guy is as good as I am, and would want to please her just the same.. what is the real difference between him and I pleasing her if she's happy. That's the most important thing right?
This is straying away from the original topic of girls are evil now... I don't know how much more I can write that won't seem so redundant. But in a way this helps.. Helps me figure things out, and lays out the exact mental path my head is navigating towa rd. Whether it be sanity or insanity that is your choice. I just hope this blows over soon..... no more window is broken.. no more girl.. no more.... must move on... must convince myself.. it will never... never... happen again.

day 3:
I woke up 3 times last night.. in cold sweats.. grinding my teeth.. and dreaming about nightmares, that are realities when I awaken. I called in sick to work today. Sitting in front of that computer screen at work.. might be too much. I can't stay still .. unless I'm sleeping. Is this what depressions like? ahah cool. never thought I'd be depressed before. WTF!

I want to do everything with her. But I do not know how to think otherwise. I must move on.

OKay.. so I'm presented with an interesting delima. I find out for sure.. after 2.5 hours of talking to the girl on the phone. We have come to a few definite decisions. 1. we must move on. 2. we have no obligations, no understandings to what we can't do with other people. It's all fair game now. This being said.. i'll try my best to subside the urge to feel guilt or any wrong when moving on.. and I will in return not feel as hurt, or at least try to not feel as hurt when hearing oabout, or if the situati on arises seing her with another guy. However, I did find out she kissed the guy. So yes, my fear was true.. didn't mean to interrupt them, but hell.. I sensed something. But yes.. they kissed. So the definite result for me.. is.. sh e's not good for me.. because what ever hurts me.. is not good for me. and that hurts me. and as the rule was applied.. we are allowed to do this.. so future events of this occuring are enivitable. right? so therefore, she is enivtably going to hurt me again. so what do I do? apparently the kiss doesn't mean anything.. but a kiss after 2 years.. means something to me.. i've always taken kisses more to heart than she has. Apparently that's just how and hwho she is.. so who am I? well I'm a guy who figures that a kiss is as important as strong feeligns for someone.. so that's why I hurt so much to know she kissd this guy. .regardless of what it meant to her. So I can't get even in that sense. .because it's just her first stepping stone to moving on.. mine would be a lit tle bit more innocent in my eyes.. such as atalk or a walk with a girl.. but then again.. we are.. two different people. So how do I deal with her stepping stones.. when they seem larger in my eyes.. than in hers...?? that is the question I am dealing wi th now.. she wants to keep me as a close friend.. forever.. and never losing me. I don't know how to accom;ish this task, becasue in order to do tis.. i'm setting myself up to be hurt again, by another man, or another "meaningless" kiss. So my options? don't talk to her for "awahile" an undefinied time lapse that would basically set the path to losing her as a friend.. because the time would need to be long enough so that if I were to go back into her life.. i would know she loves me, but yet.. be okay with her kissing another guy... I would also need to know that I have moved on. This option does not make her happy, and I"m afraid that it could drive her away more, because of the hurt, and cold shoulder I would have to give her. IN this case.. we we ren't mean to be regardless.. and our lives would suck, and I would not have her as a friend... so the other option.. I try to be her best friend, and talk to her, and be supportative. the result from this coudl be... the following: I could get hurt aga in.. and again, and until I"m hurt so bad, I'm forced to do option one.. after being hurt several more times... or we end up getting back together.. becasue the love foreachoter out ways the will to move on. this could be a bad thing.. if we can't deal w ith what has happened in the lst week. Which, at this point.. I'm again.. weary to say that I could actually live with known that my girlfriend now.. was someones hookup days ago.. or a week.. or a month.. or whenever! How long would it take for me to b e okay with what happened? That hurt me... I never thought I could be that hurt.
so basically.. this has been anaylzed as a lose lose situation for me.. she could win by moving on.. while dragging me along as her bestfriend.. when don't get me wrong.. I love her so much, I would almsot sacrafice more of my sanity, and happyness to do this for her. But how strong is my love after this infliction? Will it overome her desire to kiss another, before hurting me to the point of no return? or maybe my resolution in being her bestfriend, and at the same time being okay with her kissing anot her guy, would be in return me kissing another girl... this option.. is an interesting one, because it goes against my original intentions of moving on, and my beliefs on the importance of a kiss. SO would I be changing for the better? or chaning to adapt to live and cope with being her bestfriend, and moving on. Either way.. this I see.. is going to be harder on me in the long run.

Coping:
Not much to do but cope with my loss. Girls are not the center of my world. (My Girls's name) is not the center of my world. I will be okay without her. I will survive and move on. She is not right for me... because she was able to move on and kiss anot her guy. I do not care if that didn't mean anything to her. That meant something to me, and that is all that matterrs. I am the only thing that matters to myself. I need to be happy. I need not to be hurt anymore. I might have to sacrafice my current friendship with her, in order to be okay with her moving on, and experiencing, kissing, and who knows what else with other guys. it is the way to free myself of jealousy, andanger. It is the path to my future friendship with her. I deserve better. She may be rig ht for me in the future, but not now.. Not after i saw what I saw on Saturday.
It's amazing at how true my fears were before I started dating in life. I knew the logic behind it. Point A you meet somebody, Point B you marry them if you love them. Love is a funny thing though.. you don't know which love will last the rest of your life. So you love for as long as you feel it's right to love, unti you commit your love for the rest of your life. but it's hard to distinguis the difference from the originating love of 2 years, and that love that one will cherish for the rest of their lives. I know that I feared that transition from poitn A to point B, when you love someone, and know that if you commit before marriage, that you will have to either 1) edventually marry them, or 2) break up with them to meet the person you will edventu ally marry. So I guess this is that transition phase that I always feared. So that's the sacrafice one has to make... give it all.. and only hope.. in fear that you will never make it to point B. But I guess.. lesson learned.. one has to always try poin t A, or you will never learn, and you will never find point B.

Am I better?:
She still loves me yes.. she does. We've been talking these past few days, and we are both sorry for what happened. Yet, she still blames me for pushing her away, and I still blame her for not waiting ,and I definite do not agree, or WILL EVER UNDERSTAND why she did what she did with that guy. I still have nightmares.. but the reassuring fact that "it meant nothing" somehow helps me out. I guess... it's just the source of evil that overcomes them, and makes them be "girls", and act out emotionally and physically in a way, that I could never comprehend. and for that guy! If he was pushing the issue, after knowing the state she was in, and took advantage of her I will kill him.. no I won't.. just kidding.. but... whatever.. must move on.
Her and I I don't think can pick up from were we left off anymore.. even though recently we've been talking as if.. things are getting better. But I fear.. another reoccurrence will happen, and our friendship will be totally ruined.. I don't know where ou r understanding lies now.. before I didn't know, and she hurt me, but yet. .was allowed to hurt me do to the lack of understanding, now.. I am almostin that same boat. All my friends say.. just don't talk to her, leave alone... but the source of E has it 's way to linger around ,and make sure nothing goes easy, and clearly.
Here is an interesting question:
Would he and I even be talking right now, if I were the one she saw kissing another girl?
As equals we broke up? or I broke up? and does that mean.. I can't move one? or She can move on?
More to come as always... as long as my heart lingers on this thin stretched string over the bottomless pit, of guilt, anger, pain, fear, insecurity, and lonlyness... i wait.

For my mental health:
This page will be taking a new course of discussion. eve nthough my thoughts, and actions wil lbe dictated on this page, due to all actions and reprecussions of the source of evil. I will no longer attempt to dwell or discuss about this girl. I'm moving on. Friends we shall try.. but I must move on.

When will this end?
I've come to a new understanding of what I am dealing with here. It's like a drug... love is like a dangerous, dangerous drug. When not shared fully and equally the dosage of love can kill you. WHen I don't feel loved, or a sense of compassion.. I search for it like a young boy searching for his next dosage of crack, or heroine. I'd spend all the money, and time to find it and feel it. I convince my self it's the only thing in the world that would make me happy, and I st art to believe it's the only way I can move on. I do love her. I would want to be back together with. Even after what I saw.. even after knowing she moved on, and thought I didn't love her anymore, and would go as far as to kissing a guy... I still woul d love her, and I did.. I told her how much she meant to me. I told her I would do anything to get her back I told her "I understood why she did what she did". We have a great week, and I feel better, things make sense, and I see a world with all it's c olours. It's almost as if a ton of bricks was taken of my chest. I'm happy with her.. THen....
I find out more information concerning this guy she kissed. It turns out she still see's him on a weekly basis. It's required because of her place of employment. SHe didn't tell me this before because she wanted to protect me from getting hurt. I'm ful l of bad timing, and I can't stop from "finding" them in the wrong situations. I think to myself why does this hurt me so much. I believe it hurts me, because I am not moving on. and she shows me love, and at the same time shows me the sign of a girl who loves me. SO confused... I made an example for how I feel, and why even though she technically "is allowed to see this guy, and even last week.. allowed to have kissed this guy... and she did nothing wrong"..

When people first meet eachother they realize ...
we are starting something..
we have an "understanding" but we are not obligated yet, or committed.
Thus, if one were to find out after this "understanding" was initiated..
that his non boy or girlfriend was moving on with another guy.
It would be a "okay..
that's it..
move on..
her loss..
time to continue..
hardly anything to get upset about.
That's what happened here.
I thought we still had that understanding.
she loss it.
oh well.. her loss..
i need to move on. It's my fault...
i should lose my love..
and force myself through this withdrawl phase.
WIthout an understanding there is no trust,
without trust there is no commitment,
obligations, and without commitment and obligation
there is no relationship, and without a relationship...
these feelinsg only hurt.
THis is not healthy.

I found this on my bike:
"These three words forbidden from eachother.
Not to be used anymore to express how one feels so helplessly for the other."

...I know now....
What I fear...
There are options here.
Those to commit, and give it my all...
Those to run, and just jump and fall. <0r> If I commit, it could go two ways...
One is forever, and happy rays.
Or the other, which is the worst...
she'll love another and that's my curse.
so do I trust and risk my heart sore?...
Or do i bail, and not gable some more?.
Now it would hurt, as well as later...
But not as much now, time is my favour.
We must trust, and trust enough...
To make it this time.. rough..rough...rough.

It still hurts, but in a different way. More controlled now than before

More expected I guess.
Possibly more real.
Possibly more understanding.

THe last words spoken "I love you soo much.. but..."
I said there should never be a but, after those 3 words.
Grabbed my jacket and said it was over.

I have no other choice.
This is not our fault, we are the victims in this misfortune.

Man can she dance. I love it when she danced for me.
She will be missed.

She is very beautiful.
I loved her more than life itself.

Closed chapter. For our memories in our past.
As if death itself as taken it's toll.

Breaths with someone else she must take.
Life will go on. Death is just a feeling of the mind.

So girlsare the source of evil. How else could this be?
Chicago trip, love, friends, reel me in more to the heart and the soul, of the child in the land she grew up in.
Bring me closer to the child within, bring me to the town that makes you and you, and make me love you just as much if not more than ever before.
a new year, a clean slate. Lets start it good baby, I can't wait!

And yet the hour passes, and one day goes by. acting strange and wierd.. i want to cry.
How funny I remember these thoughts and feelings.. it's all about priority baby.. i don't forget.

Last year the same, but it took me longer to realize it. I see now.. repetition and the same old same old.
First a party, and a loss of invite, then no calls, and last the gut feeling of anger and hate.

WHy does this happen, how can so much change in just a day?

She feels suffocated! Well that's odd. It seems she was just asking yesterday to play some games, and give her more attention. But yet, now.. back in orlando where we're not alone, she's suffocated with feelings of loss love, and something must be missing? Wow... girls aren't evil. They just must be the source of it. For this is the second time, in the second year, insetead of starting a new, we're ending an old. And it's so sudden, and so unpredictable.
She will have no problem finally a new. I mean.. one month after our last she kissed another phewl. ;P heheh well.. No bitter, no pain.. I'll be understanding as soon as I'm sane. I do wish for her happyness. I've always wished for that. With every fortune cookied cracked.

I trully love her, and therefore, I trully want her to dance and share her love with someone who has no "buts" after those threee important and delicate words.

Moving on. Going to be okay. The strong will survive the title of this website. ONly the strong, and therefore. I must survive.

An Odd prediction. I bet J friend of T goes out with old girl who caused me so much insanity. Just a thought. Hint, golf.

Today was harder then the one before. i thought it was suppose to get easier. the jealously, the missing, the wants, and the "assumed" needs. overwhelms me.
this is what this girl has done to me.. this is what i feel.. pain in my chest, and in my heart.
i feel this since of meaningless in my life, and this void that is desperately searching to be filled.
It's an emptyness like I've never felt before. A dark and terrible emptyness, that makes me question my life, my work, my future.. it adds an indisputable question to selfworth, and selfconfidence.
this evil is killing me from my mind to my soul.. inside and out.
i am supose to be strong, and i am suppose to survive.. but this is how i feel.
this is all in my head, but yet, it's in my heart and my soul.
What chemical, what memory, what thoughts make ones life seem so pointless, and makes the confsued state set in like this.
trying.. so hard... focus... so gone. I think about hurting myself often. but realize how stupid and pointless that would be, and wonder why I would ever have self destructive thoughts.

Curious why i can convince myself that life is sobad, and it will allbe coming to an end....
as if losing her was the only thing I had besides school, and work, and with those also leaving my life in the next few months.. i can only hope i have enough time to trully recover from this last relationship.
To fully let this evil slip and the poison in my mind will somehow seep away through the finite pours in my body, and my soul.

carry me? please. i beg thee... i can not take anymore of this.. i olnly want to see her, and call her.. i miss her so much. and i loved her more than anything.
her recovery path is different than that of mine. i am the victim, and she is merely a victim of causing their to be a victim.
it is much easier that way...

i think to myself.. what i could honestly do.. and i hear myself praying and singing a song or two.
......

i hear words of sorrow, and words of death
i hear my pain making a confess.

death isn't so bad it says out loud?

death isn't so bad chants the crowd!
a reluctant smile, and a hopefull rip
all could be done with just a stick
breath all gone
the light is distinguished.

mourning occurs
but jealously is diminished
will it last?

i hurt so much... while this evil lurks in my past...
.......

I've determined this page is no longer going to be a complete source of writing for my interpretations on why girlsarethesourceofevil, but rather an account of my mental stability, and what struggles i'm facing.
this will be a reminder to me, and anyone else who dares to fall in love. this could happen to you, but then again maybe not. I am a little different.
So, yesterday i was pulled over, and I practically begged the cop for a ticket, almost like a punishment. I don't know why.. I didn't realize I did this until tonight when I spoke to my mother.
It seems as though I've o

I predicted correctly! I knew it! I found what I needed to know she has completely moved on. Again, it's another guy. GO figure. It's not her fault..
SHe's just a "freakin girl", who likes to see the smile of a nice "handsome" new face.
September 1999 she wrote me these important quotes:

"'Tis better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all"
"Give all to love, obey thy heart"
"The best proof of love is trust"
"To love is to place your happiness in the happiness of another"

Very true they seem in the light of things now.